2 rants, which, oddly have almost nothing to do w/ anything aforementioned or each other. Ish.

-Ahem-

Rant #1: "Nice Guys"

You know, I'd always known that there was something (everything?) insidious about a man who would hang around me so long as he (thought he) could fuck me. But DrNerdLove seems to sum it up accurately (see 'silveragent's qq about 1/2 way down.)

At what point did being nice specifically to get into my (pajama) pants after I told you firmly & succinctly that I wanted NOTHING romantic from ANYONE at that (this?) point in my life become in any goddamn way acceptable? I hear you whining al-fucking-ready. "But, but I thought I could convince you that..." NO. Just fucking NO. I don't want your dick, & there are 1,000 fucking reasons. Numero Uno being that at this point in my life I am UTTERLY INCAPABLE of being in what could in any way be construed as a healthy romantic relationship. I try to be nice. Really I do. Pinky promise.

But in the end you push me to it don't you? NO ain't good enough is it? So I have to resort to being a cunt, just to get you to stop calling/texting/haranguing me 24-motherfucking-7. And then...

"You just can't deal w/ someone being nice to you."

*Mind. Fucking. Implodes.*

Assmonkey, I can't deal w/ someone who expects booty in lieu of actual fucking friendship. Troo fax.




Rant #2: My Current Relationship


Now I may feel differently about this later, but really...

You want me to move out of state, take my children away from a fairly extended family (on their father's side, which despite the fact that I DESPISE some members of it I see as a blessing, as my family is neither extended nor close) change my ambitions, my hair colour, my body hair sitch (ok let's just sum that up into 'Overall Appearance') smack me around, ignore me, berate me, take $2K from my mother that you spent on fuck knows what as opposed to RECLAIMING MY FUCKING CAR, the only possession of ANY value I had, & which was left to me by my late grandmother, & interrogate MY ASS as to why I was up late (read: all night)?

REALLY MOTHERFUCKER?!

Ok, perspective for the sake of fairness.

I DID kind of slalom on foodstamps. I DID slip into a severe drinking/depression funk due to being SO far away from my family & friends for the first time in my entire life.

To cherry the sundae, I DID cheat on you. Repeatedly. I know you don't believe it's because I was trying to forget you, but I honestly kind of figured that w/ how toxic & volatile we were together, anything to make me STOP loving you was for the best. Everyone around me agreed. And no, NOT just the people I boned. However, hindsight is 20/20, & I now see that I might've accomplished my goal using the much more straightforward & far less self-destructive "Nuclear Option" (read 'masshole93's qq again in the above link.)

But W.T.F.

If you couldn't handle that (& I had NO FUCKING REASON to think you would try, NO ONE should have to) then you should have...LEFT ME WHERE I WAS. Yes, I had nowhere to go at the time. Yes, I felt like a bag of smashed assholes atop 1,000 fuck pies due to JUST being released from jail for driving on a suspended license & subsequently having my children taken from me by aforementioned extended family.

They have women's shelters for a reason. That night, I was one of those reasons.

The fact of the matter is: If you'd left me to my own damn devices, I'd be employed at the Simmons Bank who sent me a 2nd interview notice soon after I arrived here. I'd have my car, & I'd see my kids most likely weekly. Yes, I'd probably be staying on B & J's couch. But I WOULDN'T be 6 hours away from EVERYONE, unemployed, broke, carless & so depressed that every day walking into traffic becomes steadily more tempting.

I love you, I love you, I love you. But some days it seems like it'll be my undoing.



-Whew-

On a happier note, YAY OBAMA! I would've voted for you, if I'd been able to get to the polls. I said that I wouldn't, but yesterday I was so fucking terrified that we'd have been in the vice grip of the Rominater for the next 4 years...so yeah. Yeah I fucking would've.

Scary shit, yo.