Aight. It's been a minute.

Taxes came in (IO's, not mine. I don't get any this year because my kids' Dad decided that even though I had helped him out monetarily in the past, & that when we split we'd agreed to each claiming one child on returns, he went ahead & claimed them both because he's a fucking asshole.)

Anyways.

I still have a buttload of presents for the kids (I've since missed my beloved son's birthday as well. Don't ask.) & IO is replacing my car. I've spent most of the day comparing insurance prices to show him later. I'm only getting liability, as I have no idea how long it'll take me to find a job back in AR.

I really wanted to be home by this weekend, but it's not going to happen.

For one, I discovered that the house phone records the previous 20 numbers that've been dialed. They can't be deleted. SO I got my ass reamed for calling 2 very dear friends that I'm "not allowed" to speak to.

This isn't your fault. Don't worry about it.

What this means is that I've inadvertently given him another reason to suspect my actions. Which means that he's going to find 50 more reasons to drag his feet on the car tip. There's not much I can do but attempt to get back into his good graces & wait.

A lot of people are wondering why I put up with all of this. Some have questioned whether or not everything is as bad as I report it to be BECAUSE I'm still putting up with it.

Let me lay this out for you...

I'm 27. My parents live in Indiana & a nursing home. The only Aunt/Uncle set I'm close to lives in Colorado. My Grandmother, who would've helped & who gave me the LAST vehicle passed away 1 year ago on the 18th. My sister & I are not close & she's expecting my niece on March 1st.

I tell you that to explain to you that I have no family capable of/willing to help me. So I've been put in the position of relying on my friends.

My friends who've seen me make this very same mistake repeatedly. Who've lent me money & bedspace & time to help me STOP making this mistake. Oddly enough it's these people who're still here for me.

But they've already given me so much & done so much more than I ever deserved. I can't bear the thought of going home only to mooch rides/somewhere to sleep/food off of people to whom I'm already so deeply indebted.

On top of all of that, IO is the reason I don't have a car in the first place. He's part of the reason I've been separated from my children. He owes me big, & even his inherent assholery can't prevent him from realizing it enough to attempt to make amends.

It's fairly simple. I'm putting up with it in an attempt to get my due. Being totally dependent & having no job leads, this is how it's happening. The thought of what I'm doing is nauseating to me.

My only solace is that it'll get me back to my children.

I've had a couple of people ask why I don't mention the kids more often in this blog. The form of this question has ranged from "So why don't you mention the kids?" to "Yeah you must care SO MUCH about them since you never talk about them."

Here is my response:

My children. My reason for living. The whole of my heart. The apples of my eyes. They are NEVER, I repeat NEVER out of my thoughts. There are images I can't look at, words I can't say, songs I can't hear, movies & shows I can't watch because to do so will bring a million memories flooding back so strongly that I very well might drown in my own tears. My children are constantly at the forefront of my mind in a myriad of ways. When will I see them again? When I get back will I be ALLOWED to see them again? Are they sick? Are they crying? Do they miss me? Do they remember what I look like? Do they remember how I smell the way I remember their smells? Do they even want Mommy since she's been gone for 4 months? Do they even need me? How can I make them need me? I don't want to MAKE them need me, I just want them to need me. What if it's too late? What if my previous bad decisions created enough BS karma for this to be completely justified? What if I really AM a broken type of robot & can't support myself, much less them? What if I'm not good enough to be their mother? WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE THEIR MOTHER? WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE THEIR MOTHER? WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE THEIR MOTHER?

All day. Every day. Ad nauseum.

I have found very few things that can actually draw me out of my ball of self-pity & woe long enough to stop crying & put on a happy face for a while. Save for this blog, FB is my happy face. I have a rant on there that I doubt anyone has read, but that's about it. I was crushed yesterday when I found out my good online/fet buddy Azrael had lost control of his truck & departed this world, likely flipping us the bird as he went. But you only saw a modicum of the crying I did for a person I'd never even met face to face. I have a half-finished cthulhu beanie that I was going to trade him for nipple piercings. In the minds of many, this does not amount to a lasting friendship, but that didn't matter to my feelings. I fucking SOBBED. WEPT. CRIED MY HEART OUT over a man that I had only ever spoken to on the phone & chatted with online.

Now, how do you think that could apply to 2 of the most perfect creatures on the planet, who I carried for 9 months, birthed, raised, supported, love unconditionally, & have now been separated from simply because, in the words of their father, "It's my time now" completely overlooking the fact that he never once offered to support them on his own. Overlooking the fact that he wanted the divorce, & that I was their primary caregiver in ALL OF THE WAYS.

Can you imagine how talking about them at any length possibly makes me feel?