Merry fucking Ho Ho's.

Yesterday was the first Christmas I've ever spent away from my children.

IO said weeks ago that this weekend we'd go down to see my family. He reneged. His reasoning being that "Well I don't get to see my family, so it only seems fair."

For the sake of clarity, his family ALL lives in town. He didn't go see them because he didn't WANT to.

I was depressed, downtrodden, & sad something fierce. But still, I put on a happy face, & drew him his (now traditional) Holiday Smut & baked him a custard pie. I made Xmas dinner out of random shit in the kitchen, because the electric was due TODAY (about $300, since he never fully pays a bill.) It was decent mind you. Green beans, mashed TATERS & gravy, 3 cheese macaroni, biscuits, fried spinach, & 2 BBQ'd canned hams. Plus the custard pie & a pound cake w/ Xmas decorations. While I did all of this he slept & played video games.

I STILL got accused of "ruining Christmas" due to my depression.

ALSO...

His daughter calls at about 4. "Can you come & pick me up?"
"Nope! Not coming to pick you up. Bye now!"

Me: "Why won't you go get her?"
Him: "What? And let her & her mother walk all over me?"

O.o

I retract the previous entry in which I stated that he loved his daughter. He obviously couldn't fucking care less.

This was reinforced by this exchange about an hour later.

Me: "Why are you so moody?"
Him: "Oh, so YOU can be moody 'cos YOUR kids aren't here but I can't?"

NO. NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T. YOUR child is FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AWAY FROM YOU, yet you WON'T go pick her up on FUCKING CHRISTMAS DAY. MY children are SIX HOURS AWAY. You SWORE you would take me to see them, but you reneged on that shit, which was of course, MY fault. Because me being eternally depressed & sobbing constantly wasn't enough of a reminder for you to fucking make good on your promises.

But you know what? ALL of this, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING OUNCE, is FINE. FUCKING FINE. WHY?

Because now I know 100% for certain that I wasted 3 years on your STUPID ass.
Now I know that you care for NO ONE but yourself.
Now I know that all you want is CONTROL. When you don't get it, you act like a CHILD.

And now? Just as soon as I possibly can be, I'm DONE with you. 100% DONE.

An Open Letter to IO


You'll be 36 in 20 days. You have a 13 year old child.

And yet you found it necessary to call me a bitch in the middle of busy hellmart because instead of poring over the same aisles of overpriced McShit electronics for roughly 45 minutes as is your habit, I wanted to look at yarn.

I didn't even suggest that you NOT pore over the same aisles of overpriced McShit electronics for roughly 45 minutes as is your habit.

I simply suggested that WHILE you did that, I'd be looking at yarn. I can spend 45 happy minutes looking at yarn, no thang. Really.

I realise that when something holds no interest for you that, like a spoiled child, you see no point in acknowledging it. I just thought (stupidly I might add) that you could overlook that, as I'd be approximately 3 aisles away, & you don't need me with you to decide to spend money on stupid shit for yourself as opposed to our children.

I now realise that when I think, it results in my being called a bitch in front of incredulous onlookers.

Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH for teaching me this lesson. I also hope your dick turns black and rots off t('-'t)

Merry Fucking Xmas

So...

S'been (about) a month. I've reintroduced myself to FB (pseudonymically, of course) & have been in contact with more people & such. It's still addictive as ever it was.

I sprained my ankle the weekend of the last post & had to be off it as much as possible for the following 2 weeks. This past Monday I resumed my regime.

I got called a "niggerlover" by the insignificant other because I have in fact, been with 2 black men in my life. When I mentioned that I'd told him that before I ever came up here originally, his response was "(Real name) you always say you told me about things when it's convenient." O.o I don't know how "convenient" telling anyone about my sexual history is...no. Just no. I fucking told you, & you said "No big deal." Now I'm a racial slur. I really wish you'd mentioned that shit before I wasted ANY time on you.

Also, this morning I realized that I'd been nauseous for three mornings in a row for no apparent reason.

I'm hoping like a baby cobra whose just spotted a 'roided out mongoose that it's flu. That way I have a valid reason to stay in bed & feel miserable, plus I'll drop like 15 pounds.

(OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE LET ME BE ILL. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS CRAZY BASTARD'S BABY MAMA. I HAVE A DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE REPLACEMENT IUD IN & WE'VE BARELY TOUCHED EACH OTHER IN WEEKS OHPLEASEOHPLEASE...)

-sigh-

You're barely worth the facepalm of the niiiiight...

Anyways.

I don't see myself making it down for xmas. Since the insignificant other (IO from now on) couldn't tag his car because he & his brother (who sold him said vehicle) are fucking morons who don't feel the need to brief themselves on the motor laws of the state in which they're selling/buying a goddamn vehicle, they both have to sign some shit before a notary & sign the title in the right fucking places. This entails them both taking off work during a weekday for about an hour to do this shit, which I don't see happening anytime soon.

The fact of the matter is, I really thought he'd have this taken care of by now, if for NO OTHER reason than to keep himself from getting fined for driving a vehicle w/ 3 month expired tags. He doesn't know the cops around here well enough to get out of that shit, so WHY is he...nevermind. That particular path of thought is NEVER not NEVER no NEVER fruitful.

Also, I spent every fucking penny I had (& rolled) on xmas gifts for the kids. Fairly nice ones too.

$150 of Mommy trying to buy the time she lost

But alas.

All I can do at this point is remember that tax season is coming up, & refunds, & wait. And bide. And wait. And bide. And hope like fuck that it's enough.