Merry fucking Ho Ho's.

Yesterday was the first Christmas I've ever spent away from my children.

IO said weeks ago that this weekend we'd go down to see my family. He reneged. His reasoning being that "Well I don't get to see my family, so it only seems fair."

For the sake of clarity, his family ALL lives in town. He didn't go see them because he didn't WANT to.

I was depressed, downtrodden, & sad something fierce. But still, I put on a happy face, & drew him his (now traditional) Holiday Smut & baked him a custard pie. I made Xmas dinner out of random shit in the kitchen, because the electric was due TODAY (about $300, since he never fully pays a bill.) It was decent mind you. Green beans, mashed TATERS & gravy, 3 cheese macaroni, biscuits, fried spinach, & 2 BBQ'd canned hams. Plus the custard pie & a pound cake w/ Xmas decorations. While I did all of this he slept & played video games.

I STILL got accused of "ruining Christmas" due to my depression.

ALSO...

His daughter calls at about 4. "Can you come & pick me up?"
"Nope! Not coming to pick you up. Bye now!"

Me: "Why won't you go get her?"
Him: "What? And let her & her mother walk all over me?"

O.o

I retract the previous entry in which I stated that he loved his daughter. He obviously couldn't fucking care less.

This was reinforced by this exchange about an hour later.

Me: "Why are you so moody?"
Him: "Oh, so YOU can be moody 'cos YOUR kids aren't here but I can't?"

NO. NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T. YOUR child is FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AWAY FROM YOU, yet you WON'T go pick her up on FUCKING CHRISTMAS DAY. MY children are SIX HOURS AWAY. You SWORE you would take me to see them, but you reneged on that shit, which was of course, MY fault. Because me being eternally depressed & sobbing constantly wasn't enough of a reminder for you to fucking make good on your promises.

But you know what? ALL of this, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING OUNCE, is FINE. FUCKING FINE. WHY?

Because now I know 100% for certain that I wasted 3 years on your STUPID ass.
Now I know that you care for NO ONE but yourself.
Now I know that all you want is CONTROL. When you don't get it, you act like a CHILD.

And now? Just as soon as I possibly can be, I'm DONE with you. 100% DONE.

An Open Letter to IO


You'll be 36 in 20 days. You have a 13 year old child.

And yet you found it necessary to call me a bitch in the middle of busy hellmart because instead of poring over the same aisles of overpriced McShit electronics for roughly 45 minutes as is your habit, I wanted to look at yarn.

I didn't even suggest that you NOT pore over the same aisles of overpriced McShit electronics for roughly 45 minutes as is your habit.

I simply suggested that WHILE you did that, I'd be looking at yarn. I can spend 45 happy minutes looking at yarn, no thang. Really.

I realise that when something holds no interest for you that, like a spoiled child, you see no point in acknowledging it. I just thought (stupidly I might add) that you could overlook that, as I'd be approximately 3 aisles away, & you don't need me with you to decide to spend money on stupid shit for yourself as opposed to our children.

I now realise that when I think, it results in my being called a bitch in front of incredulous onlookers.

Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH for teaching me this lesson. I also hope your dick turns black and rots off t('-'t)

Merry Fucking Xmas

So...

S'been (about) a month. I've reintroduced myself to FB (pseudonymically, of course) & have been in contact with more people & such. It's still addictive as ever it was.

I sprained my ankle the weekend of the last post & had to be off it as much as possible for the following 2 weeks. This past Monday I resumed my regime.

I got called a "niggerlover" by the insignificant other because I have in fact, been with 2 black men in my life. When I mentioned that I'd told him that before I ever came up here originally, his response was "(Real name) you always say you told me about things when it's convenient." O.o I don't know how "convenient" telling anyone about my sexual history is...no. Just no. I fucking told you, & you said "No big deal." Now I'm a racial slur. I really wish you'd mentioned that shit before I wasted ANY time on you.

Also, this morning I realized that I'd been nauseous for three mornings in a row for no apparent reason.

I'm hoping like a baby cobra whose just spotted a 'roided out mongoose that it's flu. That way I have a valid reason to stay in bed & feel miserable, plus I'll drop like 15 pounds.

(OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE LET ME BE ILL. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS CRAZY BASTARD'S BABY MAMA. I HAVE A DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE REPLACEMENT IUD IN & WE'VE BARELY TOUCHED EACH OTHER IN WEEKS OHPLEASEOHPLEASE...)

-sigh-

You're barely worth the facepalm of the niiiiight...

Anyways.

I don't see myself making it down for xmas. Since the insignificant other (IO from now on) couldn't tag his car because he & his brother (who sold him said vehicle) are fucking morons who don't feel the need to brief themselves on the motor laws of the state in which they're selling/buying a goddamn vehicle, they both have to sign some shit before a notary & sign the title in the right fucking places. This entails them both taking off work during a weekday for about an hour to do this shit, which I don't see happening anytime soon.

The fact of the matter is, I really thought he'd have this taken care of by now, if for NO OTHER reason than to keep himself from getting fined for driving a vehicle w/ 3 month expired tags. He doesn't know the cops around here well enough to get out of that shit, so WHY is he...nevermind. That particular path of thought is NEVER not NEVER no NEVER fruitful.

Also, I spent every fucking penny I had (& rolled) on xmas gifts for the kids. Fairly nice ones too.

$150 of Mommy trying to buy the time she lost

But alas.

All I can do at this point is remember that tax season is coming up, & refunds, & wait. And bide. And wait. And bide. And hope like fuck that it's enough.

We can file this under More Shit That Annoys Me.

Dear Evette Holyfield,
 
      I'm having an issue with the design of the medal you're supposed to be receiving for keeping your legs closed, especially since you "don't have those desires". I started sexing it up when I was 15 (that's ELEVEN YEAAAAAARS AGO) & I can assure you that, despite my efforts, I have yet to sleep "with the whole world".


Dear People Who Interviewed Her,

      Is there a reason I'm supposed to give a fuck?


Is this really a day in age where people must constantly be validated for being themselves, which SHOULD require little to no effort? I mean I understand that if you're queer in the deep south (been there) that being yourself is a struggle. I understand that if you're a Christian in the Middle East, being yourself is damn near deadly. THOSE are fucking struggles. I know there are loads of other examples, but fuck you, I went with those.

People who go on (& on & on & on) about "still" being virgins, or not ever smoking or doing drugs, etc etc should be smacked repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper for at least one good 10 minute stretch. GOOD FOR YOU. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, AND YOU'RE GODDAMN ANNOYING!


I did 2 miles today. My under-ass-cheek/hip is swollen now, but doesn't hurt any more than it did -le sigh- In relation to diet & exercise; today I realized that for most of my life I've been using the phrase "I'm hungry" erroneously. Maybe you've been doing it too. Earlier I vocalized to the empty house that I was "SO FUCKING HUNGRY"...before realizing that I was full. I'm not hungry, I want hand-to-mouth movement to replace smoking. I want something to do. I may be restless, bored, & unfocused; but not hungry.

Hence, KNITTING! I'm currently knitting mah Mama a hat & matching cigarette holder (because when you're 53 & in a nursing home, you deserve every vice ever) using Lion Brand Homespun in Amethyst...

No, I didn't crochet that. I used the pic to show the colourway. You can actually buy that nifty infinity scarf here.



In other BREAKING NEWS, I officially want a chihuahua. We can blame Jenna & Marbles.

PLZ TO GIB LUBS?!

Today dawned bright & lovely. A bright, cold morning.

Perfect for the jog I shouldn't go on but am anyways.

I shouldn't because while doing my 3 miles yesterday, I felt a sharp, sudden pain under my right ass cheek which extends around my hip. I did my own research. Since it's not in the hamstring area, it's apparently either Ischial bursitis, Pyriformis Syndrome, or BONE CANCER (! O.o !)

I'm chalking it up to nerve pain due to not stretching. We'll see how this works.

Why am I risking certain bodily damage? Well...

I still have no form of government ID. If this is bad, I'll need to go to a doctor. Doctor's require ID. It's manipulative, yes, but I've already tried the more straight-forward methods of asking, pleading, & begging to be taken to request another SS card. Then a birth certificate. Then an actual state-issued ID.

You never know how much you need that shit until you ain't got it.

Shit I've needed an ID for in the past 3 months:

• Reestablishing ownership of my hacked gmail account (got around that with my awesome fucking photographic memory)
• Having & keeping my fetlife account deleted
• Keeping an open facebook account (I also have no cell phone)
• BUYING FUCKING BOOZE (the night guys at the gas station are obviously blinded by my radiant beauty & are rather missing the bags under my eyes & the fact that I try to buy microbrews, not a 30 pack of Beast/wine coolers)
• Since I'm still jobless, attaining minor government aid

Like I said, manipulative. And yes, it bothers me. But if at first, second, & third you don't succeed, try a different goddamn approach. Giving up is no longer an option.

I'm actually stoked to give myself permission to still walk (no jogging for a while) as I've grown quite fond of my regime. It's nothing complicated & certainly not expensive. Hopefully someone as broke & dependent as I am will stumble across this & be able to do some good for themselves as well.

Also: Hey ex-ish husband! You DO realize that the absolute highest point of EVERY day is talking to my children, correct? THEN KEEP YOUR FUCKING PHONE CHARGED!

Your god dislikes your face

So I did 3 miles today. Why 3? 'Cos the heavens fucking THREW DOWN on my ass. Rain, that is.

And now the plumbing (which had been backing up a bit when boyfriend decided to fuck with it on Thanksgiving, & has now gotten to the point that we can't run ANY water except in the bathtub) is utterly, utterly fucked. If I have to piss, I do it in the tub. If I have to do anything else, I have to walk to the gas station. Unfortunately it's raining balls.

Of course he hasn't transferred the title on the truck yet. Of course he hasn't renewed his goddamn tags. Of fucking course.

He said last night that he's becoming less attracted to me since I started losing weight. Guess how many fucks I give?

I weighed 255 pounds for fuck's sake. That's the most I've ever weighed without being pregnant. I had/have piss poor circulation, restless leg bullshit, a lot of difficulty getting up & down, pitiful self-image, & a varicose vein creeping along the back of my left knee. And even though I'm large-framed & carry my weight better than a lot of people (if I do say so myself) I was a goddamn whale. I'm now a smaller, more lithe whale. Maybe a Beluga.

Thass hawt

If me GETTING HEALTHIER is making you LESS attracted to me then A: You need to sort out your fucking priorities & B: This really never was ever going to work ever.

-sigh-


My trademark lunch has become a Spring Salmon Salad

• 3oz (about 2 handfuls) of Spring Mix Salad (I use Dole because it's actually cheaper than hellmart's version)
•  50ish (a bit over 1/3 cup) grams of Canned Alaskan Pink Salmon (less mercury than tuna)
•  4 tbsps of Kraft Lite Balsamic Anything Dressing
•  Salt & Pepper to taste

Directions: Toss & eat.

It sounds effing atrocious, but I was surprised. Spring Salad has arugula in, which tastes bittery-peppery. I much prefer it to bland old iceberg. I was also very reluctant to just toss in canned meat of ANY sort, but after all morning with naught but a Slim Fast shake, 2 cups of green tea & 3 of water, I needed MEAT.

I do the Slim Fast bit for breakfast & dinner. I coast on green tea (I'm liking Lipton's White Mangosteen Peach) V8 & water. I munch on Frito Lay's Munchies Flaming Hot Peanuts. I give 0 fucks about what you think of my peanut consumption. Neither does the lil' dude on the packet.

So earlier boyfriend's ex called to tell him that his daughter will only be spending weekends here now, since she (the mom) needs the daughter to babysit her younger son. Boyfriend is understandably fucked up about it.

I'd love to be a cunt right now. I'd love to throw the fact that an actual divorce would = an actual custody arrangement which would = this not happening in his face like he did to me so many times. I'd love to say something like "Yeah, I know what it's like to be without my kids. Sucks balls, dunnit?"

But I can't.

Because no matter how big of a bastard he is, he does love his child. He does support her. He does spend time with her when she's not being a teenager & holing up in her room.

I don't wish having a person's child taken on anyone.